I Love You
by Aceia
Summary: Love equals pain. Severus is determined never to feel it again.


**Warnings: Incest, Rape, Major Character Death, Chan, AU**

**Based on three prompts:**  
sat staring out the window, watching the shadows ebb and flow.  
2."No! Don't do this to me. Please, don't do this to me," he keened, rocking backwards and forwards on his knees.  
looked down in shock at the blood on his hands. It all seemed...so much more real, now.

I came up with the concept once I read atypicalsnowman's email with this sentence "... and Severus, who had no idea what to do with the happiness presented to him, slit Harry's throat as he slept."

**Pairings: **Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Tobias/Eileen, Tobias/Severus

**Disclaimer:** The world of HP and its characters belongs to J.K. Rowling. The author of this fic has borrowed them for the purposes of storytelling. No profit was or will be made.

**Beta:** The wonderful atypicalsnowman.

**A/N:** Written for the 2009 Angst Fest at the yahoo group SeverusSighs.

Severus sat staring out the window, watching the shadows ebb and flow. There wasn't much to see from the window, just the edge of the rocks and the sea that surrounded the island prison. They didn't understand why he had done it; they never would. He shouldn't have been surprised though; his jailors were all Gryffindors and they never understood the way a Slytherin's mind worked. He could see it in their eyes when he told his story; their disbelief, their disgust. He could feel the Dementors passing his cell, immersing him in his memories.

"No! Don't do this to me. Please, don't do this to me," he keened, rocking backwards and forwards on his knees. His father sneered at him as he stood over his cradled form, "Don't you know I do this because I love you? I want you to be a normal boy. Your mother has tainted you; brought demons and witchcraft into this house and I will not have any son of mine being a demon."

"Please father, don't!" Severus sobbed.

"Bend over boy. Don't make this harder on yourself." As Severus bent over and felt his father thrust into his abused channel, all he could question was if love was supposed to hurt.

~.~

_He should have known then what those three words, I love you, would signify. If he had known the trouble they would cause, he never would have let Lily say them to him._

~.~

"Can you believe that we're almost done with our 5th Year? We just have to finish our OWLs and we'll be done!" Lily said.

"I know, Lily. We just have to do our Defense OWL and we'll be free for the summer. I can still come over and visit right?" Severus asked.

"Of course you can. Everyone wants to see you… Well everyone but Petunia."

Severus smirked, "Well I don't like her that much either."

"Severus! She's still my sister."

"Lily, you are ten times the person your sister is. You're smart, funny, you never let house loyalties hinder your friendships, and you're the prettiest girl in our year," Severus whispered.

Lily looked at him with that small smile that only he got to see. "I love you Severus. You're the best friend a girl can have."

~.~

_Two days later it was over. They had finished their Defense OWL and he was just minding his own business when Potter ruined his life. If Potter hadn't humiliated him, if he hadn't said that word, Lily might have continued loving him. He never went over to her house that summer, never got into petty fights with Petunia and never had an escape from his father. All because she had loved him, all because of those three little words. He didn't even have his mother to protect him anymore, though he wouldn't find that out until he got home._

~.~

"Mother? Where are you?" Severus yelled and he dropped his trunk in the entranceway. "I waited at the train station for you but you never came. Mother!" He walked into the house and froze when he saw his father sitting in a chair, staring into the fireplace. "F-father," Severus squeaked. "Where's mother? Why didn't she come to the station to get me?"

"Why would she be boy? She killed herself a week ago." Tobias said.

"She would never do that! She wouldn't leave me!" Severus yelled.

"Don't believe me? Check upstairs. Go on, check!"

"You're nothing more than a filthy liar and drunkard." Severus screamed as he fled the room and ran upstairs. "He's just trying to hurt you Severus, you know he is. Just find mother and we'll be alright," he whispered to himself. Severus checked every room upstairs; the master bedroom, the bathroom and the spare bedroom were all empty. He only had to check his room to prove his father wrong.

As he headed for his room, he heard his father come up the stairs. When he pushed open the door he couldn't hold in his gasp at the sight before him. There-hanging from the ceiling- was his mother. He stumbled backward out of the room muttering, "NO," the whole time.

"I see you've found her boy. I told you she didn't care enough for you to stick around. What kind of mother kills herself in her son's room," Tobias crooned drunkenly.

"No, no, no, no. This isn't happening. She isn't dead," Severus sobbed as he started rocking himself.

"Oh, she's dead all right. Even left a note for you. Do you want it, boy?" Tobias said as he waived the note in Severus' face. Severus grabbed for the note but Tobias held it away from him. "You want this note?" Severus nodded through his tears. "I give it to you once you clean up this mess."

"What?" Severus croaked.

"You heard me. Clean up this mess. I don't know about you freaks but normal people don't live with dead bodies in their home. Clean it up!" Tobias roared as he stalked to his bedroom.

Severus went to the kitchen to find a knife to cut her down. The whole time he was disposing of her body he was numb. All he could think was "Why? Why had she left him?" When he finally got to read the letter he knew.

To My Dearest Son,

I'm sorry to leave you here but I can't stay any longer. I waited as long as I could before doing this. The only reason I left now is because I know that you have other people who care for you. Other people that are stronger than I am to save you from Tobias. I know this is selfish of me, but you only have a few months to go before you are 17 and are able to take care of yourself. The Evans family should be able to help you if things get bad. I know how close you are to Lily. Take care Severus. Always know that even though I am gone, I will always love you.

Your mother,

Eileen

~.~

_He knew then that those words would always signal the end of whatever happiness or contentment he had. Eileen never knew what horror awaited him that summer with no mother or friend to save him from the rapes and his father's abusive nature. Is it any wonder why he became a Death Eater? _

_Once Severus became a Death Eater he was safe from those words until Harry's sixth year. He should have known something was the matter when Albus called him to his office._

~.~

"You wished to see me," Severus said as he entered the room.

"Lemondrop, Severus?" Albus asked with that infernal twinkle in his eye as Severus sat down.

"No, Albus. I was in the middle of working on a potion that could help slow the curse on your arm. This meeting had better be important," Severus said as he waived away the cup of tea Albus was trying to give him.

"Severus, I must ask something of you that will be very difficult. You must hear me out before you answer me." Albus said.

"Spit it out, headmaster."

"When you first came under my protection, I told you I would help you redeem yourself if you would protect Harry for me when I couldn't. Very soon I will not be able to watch over him or any of the other students anymore."

"Albus, I am the one of the best Potions Masters in England and I have dabbled extensively in the Dark Arts. I will find a way to cure you," Severus stated.

"I have no doubt that if you had the time to experiment, you would find a cure. However, I won't last the year, Severus."

"You don't know that, Albus." Severus denied.

"Severus, you have had months to work on a cure and you haven't found a thing. All the while, this curse is spreading farther up my arm. That combined with the different threats on my life, I can only assume that somehow, I will be gone before the year ends."

"Albus, those threats have been stopped before they even came near you. If someone was really trying to kill you, they wouldn't do it in such a roundabout way," Severus sneered.

"Someone is trying to kill me, Severus and I believe that someone happens to be a student of yours. One of your snakes. Promise me that if it comes to a standoff between Draco and I, you will kill me in his stead."

"Albus, you can't ask that of me. I swore I would never be the cause of another death after Lily. You can't ask me to kill you. "

"You already gave an Unbreakable Vow to Narcissa Malfoy that you would carry out Draco's assignment."

"We don't even know if his assignment is to kill you! His assignment could be anything!" Severus roared.

"Nevertheless, I am still dying and if his assignment is to kill me, like I believe it is, he doesn't need the stain of being a murderer on his soul."

"And I do, Headmaster?" Severus whispered.

"Severus, I know while this might hurt you, you will be able to live with it. If it comes to that please kill me for Draco. He doesn't know what being a Death Eater truly means. If you do this, you can cement your place in Voldemort's ranks and still be alive to watch over Harry," Albus said. As Severus looked into the eyes of his mentor, he knew he would do it if the situation called for it.

"Will you do it, my boy?" Albus asked.

Severus looked for any hint that Albus was joking but he found none. "Yes," he whispered.

"Thank you, my boy." Severus turned around to leave when Albus called to him. "Severus, I know that if it comes to that, it will hurt you deeply and I'm sorry for it. I don't want to hurt you. You're very dear to me; I love you like the son I never had."

With those words Severus knew why he had been asked to do this. Those three little words ruined everything. "I understand, Headmaster," Severus said as he swept out of the office. As he stalked to his rooms, he swore that he would never let another person say those words to him again. He would never let someone hurt him.

~.~

_A few months later, he fulfilled Albus' wish. He had thought then that Albus would be the last person to betray him, but he was wrong. He never though he would add Harry to that list. Harry wasn't supposed to love him; love brought him nothing but pain._

~.~

It started out as a normal evening. Severus was grading papers while Harry was reading one of his Quidditch books. They had dinner, talked about their day and when the clock changed its hands to i Time to Head to Bed /i they got up and started their nighttime preparations. Everything was normal until they were dropping off to sleep. Nothing could have prepared himself the words Harry whispered to him that night.

"I love you," Harry whispered as he fell asleep in Severus' arms. Severus, who had previously been about to nod off, snapped awake at those words.

"No," he whispered. "Not him too. It'll all be ruined now," he despaired. Severus remembered all the other times someone had said those three words to him and the despair that came after. "Never again," he whispered as he slowly detangled himself from Harry and walked into his lab.

A few minutes later Severus came back into the room and sat on the bed. He dragged Harry to be cradled between his arms as he leaned against the headboard. He knew what he had to do but something in him didn't want to. That little voice was telling him that it was alright for Harry to love him.

Severus stared down at Harry cradled in his arms. He could just see the smile on Harry's face, the one that Severus saw when he came to bed late. He only saw it when he slipped into bed after Harry was already asleep. Harry would sense his presence and once he was sufficiently curled around Severus, he would smile that little content smile; the one just for Severus.

He didn't want to do what he was about to do; he didn't want to ruin that smile but he wouldn't be hurt again. Severus leaned down and kissed Harry one last time. As he pulled back he whispered, "I'm sorry, Harry, but I won't let you hurt me." He put his hand to Harry's neck and slit it with a scalpel.

As Harry started to thrash, Severus slowly rocked him and murmured "I'm sorry" into his hair. When Harry finally stilled, Severus looked down in shock at the blood on his hands. It all seemed...so much more real, now.

He had finally saved himself. No more worry. No more pain. No more love. He kissed Harry's hair and whispered, "I'm sorry" one more time. As he got up to clean himself, he never noticed the tear tracks on his Harry's face. Tear tracks that were identical to his own.

"Severus Snape, you have been sentenced to receive the Dementor's Kiss for the murder of Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived. Do you have any last words?"

Severus stared out into the crowd looking through the reporters and Harry's infamous admirers, to find the sea of redheads that made up the Weasleys and bushy brown hair of Mrs. Granger-Weasley. They all glared back at him, waiting for him to say something. He glanced their way when the judge spoke again.

"Very well. Since you have no words to say, it is time to carry out your sentence. Guards, bring in the Dementor."

As the Dementor came closer to him to fulfill its duty, snippets from Severus' worst memories flashed through his mind. First his father, _"Don't you know I do this because I love you?"_ Then Lily, _"I love you Severus. You're the best friend a girl can have."_ His mother, _"Always know that even though I am gone, I will always love you._ And finally Albus_, "I love you like the son I never had."_ As the Dementor latched its mouth over his and started to suck his soul, Severus remembered one last memory. The one that caused all this. _"I love you," Harry whispered._


End file.
